Only a few weeks ago I turned 25. Just 25, young still. Healthy, energized and passionate about many things. 25 with an amazing family, a boyfriend I consider my soulmate, friends who fill my heart, a dog who gets excited every.single.time I walk through the door. 25 with a full closet, probably too full, a full kitchen, a full apartment, a full heart.
25, but sometimes lost. You know? Sometimes I wake up and I just can’t figure out where I am in life or, better yet, where the hell I’m going.
Today I sat on my yoga mat, put myself into downward facing dog and started to cry for no reason at all except that I haven’t slept in a few days (horrible sleeper, amazing thinker) and I was feeling overwhelmed, tired, cranky. So I cried, humans can cry for a reason, right? The whole day I felt as if everything was wrong, just one of those days. One of those days where I was supposed to be productive but I wasn’t. One of those days where the dogs bone was in the way, the pen I used to write wasn’t working, the clothes I had didn’t feel like they fit, the brain didn’t want to function. Just one of those days.
Instead of actually doing my yoga flow for 45 minutes, I laid there and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t get myself to do anything but lay there. I couldn’t even gain the strength to do a 15 minute flow.
So the ceiling it was.
A lot went through my mind during my ‘yoga’ time I scheduled out. I thought about what was wrong with me, why I felt like this, how selfish I am to feel like this especially in a world like today, and more, and more.
The thing is, after the 45-minute ‘flow’ of not moving an inch, I felt better. I felt like I could think straight again, like I gained some strength back, like I was more myself. At first I was sad, then I was mad, then I was ok. I went through emotions, up and down, playing re-runs of the day in head. I went through thoughts that I have been avoiding, allowing them to build up in my head for days on end. I answered my own questions, maybe with the wrong answer, but still with an answer.
Then I sat up and did an actual yoga flow.
It took me 45 minutes, tears, a flooded mind, an empty feeling, and a lot of ‘I don’t knows’ to get myself up off the mat, and that’s ok.
It was so ok. It was what I needed. We are humans – humans that are made to break down and build themselves back up. Humans that are made to cry and laugh and love and feel. We are here, for a reason some of us may never know, but we are here and that is enough. The world we live in doesn’t always make sense, and sometimes – many times – it isn’t fair, but we are here. We are humans that are meant to be living, and there are days where it feels like the world isn’t on our side and it’s deciding to crash down in front of us, but it passes. Life moves, days keep going.
You are only human, and sometimes you need to cry. Sometimes you can’t do it all. Sometimes the laundry won’t get done and the dinner get burnt. Sometimes life makes no sense at all, and sometimes we have no idea what we are doing. Many of us, not just you. Most of the time, we never know what we are doing. But we continue to do. And that is what matters.
Cry. No matter your age. Feel lost and confused. Lay on your yoga mat and stare at the ceiling. Sit by yourself and be alone. Break down. You are human. Then get up and do what you love to do, because you are here and that is enough.